In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
