Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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