I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
