If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
