No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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