My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
