My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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