how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
