Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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