Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
