She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
