I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
