Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
