3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
