do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
