I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
