you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
