So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
