I think I died a long time ago.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
