I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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