I just saw a hot homeless man
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
