Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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