I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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