I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
