you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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