someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Drunk is a universal language darling
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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