Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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