Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!