I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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