we're chasing vodka with high fives
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
