these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
