keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
