Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize