it was like eating out sand paper
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
