It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
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