I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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