If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
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The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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