Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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