It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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