Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
