Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Randomize
