I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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