I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
