is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
