Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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