i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I need a burrito and a hug.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
So. Much. Porn.
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