I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
one might say we're banned from that church
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
