You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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