trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
