come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
why do cheetos always look like penises
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
