Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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