We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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