i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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