Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
