nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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