i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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